Every Family Has Its Ups and Downs

Eleanor rides a barge down the river to meet her conniving husband outside his castle. "How dear of you to let me out of jail for Christmas, Henry," she says venomously. The family quickly falls into its usual dysfunctionality. When one rowdy son asks "What'll we hang, the holly or each other?" Eleanor turns aside to Henry: "I don't like our children." After a spirited brawl leaves everyone bloodied, dazed, and black and blue, she speaks the unforgettable line that is the title of this post.

These are scenes from The Lion in Winter, but they could well be snippets of the present day Anglican conversation about homosexuality.

As a relative newcomer to Anglicanism (14 years), I'm puzzled by the rancor of so many of our conversations. Is all this venom really necessary? Can someone explain this? In an era when the lack of civility poisons our public discourse, you'd think Anglicans would model a more civil way of talking through tough issues.

Don't get me wrong. As a gay man, I'm certainly not going back into the closet. As a gay priest, I'll continue to support gay couples ready for marriage, and qualified gay candidates for bishop. No changes there. Yet I'd be very sad if my church lost its connection to the larger Anglican communion, unintentionally becoming, as The Economist recently forecast, simply a gathering of aging white liberals. I'd be sadder yet if this loss was hastened by well-intentioned but insulting rants by those I agree with.

I admit it's a cliche, but how you say something is as important as what you say. Right now, the words from both sides are too loaded with righteous indignation. As we say in California, "Negative energy, dude!"

Good idea: "If we can lower the emotional reactivity in the midst of this current controversy we just might be able to find a way to live together," says the presiding bishop of the Episcopal Church. "A non-violent response to this situation will need space and time to operate, and perhaps an unexpected or even humorous response. "

She got that right.

Please, somebody tell a joke!